"Write something about me in that blog thing of yours."
"What do you want me to write?"
"Whatever. If you can write about other people's couch shopping, surely you can think of something to write about me." We hadn't spoken in months but our conversation had moved from catching up on the serious into comfortable banter.
"Ok Uzzie. I'll try to think of something".
It really isn't that hard she's a fascinating person. We've been friends since sophmore year at Wells. Junior year before I went abroad, we lived together. We were a funny mix. She’s Indian-American from Hackensack, New Jersey-- a mix of two cultures and up to that point never really able to fully experience either. I was a blond Upsate New York American-Canadian running from a chaotic home life to whatever adventures I thought the world held for me. She didn't know how to swim, I was on the swim team. She liked rap. I liked classical. Her side of the room had all these posters of little kids holding flowers and mine had African landscapes. She was trying to live out the American dream and I wanted to be Beryl Markham. Our work habits were different too. She was dilligent and always did her work ahead of time. Professors adored her. I finished my papers three minutes before they were due. For all my seeming nonchalance we were competitive over grades and academic honors. At Wells each senior has to complete and successfully defend a senior thesis. Awards are given for the best ones in each major and one for best overall thesis, announced at graduation. I wanted the award badly and I knew she did too but neither would admit it. "I want you to win it." "No, seriously I don't want it for myself, I really hope you win it". “No really, yours is much better. You deserve it”…. Fortunately, for our friendship neither of us got the prize.
The narrative of Uzma's college years changed suddenly her junior year. It was the year of the Arranged Marriage. Her parents called her to tell her that they had found her husband and that she would have to go back to India for a month and marry a man she had never met. Just like that. There was drama, all night talk sessions with the girls but never any doubt that she would go through with it. I don't think I was much help. Ellie knew how to say the right things and Mariamme had grown up in a similar culture so she understood but I was just befuddled. Why didn't she just say no? I was worried for her. Uzma is a classic beauty. She dazzled. She still does. Would her husband be some crazy jealous pysco that wanted to lock her away from the world??
She showed me a photo her mom sent of Azher. For some reason I liked him right away. He had a kind expression. It's stupid really. You can’t tell these things from a photo. He could have been a serial killer. You always see the neighbors the next morning on television, “he was such a polite man. We had no idea”. But Azher isn't a serial killer. He's kind, sweet, intelligent, and he’s turned out to be a great husband and father of two beautiful little girls.
I couldn't understand Uzma's decision at the time but I do now. There would have been lots of drama if she had refused but her parents wouldn't have forced her. She was obviously scared about what the might happen but she took a gamble. But really who's marriage isn't a gamble?
The funny thing is, even though it was arranged, Uzma is probably one of the less "traditional" wives amongst us. I don’t think she has any idea how to load a dishwasher, and while she must know how to cook something I can't say I've ever eaten anything she's prepared. What she has done is work extremely hard as a wife, mother and businesswoman since the day she left Wells. She earns the most money and has succeeded in a male dominated field. At twenty six she became a vice-president of global health insurance company. She supervises Harvard MBA hotshots. She's been able to help her family. When Azher was doing his residency her job helped get them through. And when her sister was going to college she sent money for tuition. Now her father is sick and Uzma is the one meeting with the doctors helping her mother deal with his care. Uzma's been both the eldest daughter and the surrogate son that her mother never had.
I couldn’t have married a man my parents chose. I’m too independent. I married a man that I fell in love with. But I didn’t marry the first man that I ever fell in love with. I married the man I believe I can love for a lifetime. I know that Uzma loves Azher too. I can’t agree with forced arranged marriage. Or one that’s done more with the parents interests in mind rather than the children’s. Or something sick like a 14 year girl married off to some 55 year old letch because her father will get a new cow for it. But maybe sometimes your family can pick out the things you’re likely to love about a person. Who knows?
Modern, traditional, feminist. It makes me realize that labels don't always mean so much. Uzzie’s made her marriage, her life, work her way. I’m proud of the strong, beautiful woman she’s become.
Let’s keep Uzma and her family in our prayers as they deal with her father’s illness.
---------------------------------- Jennifer Chase Photography washington DC photographer www.jenniferchasephoto.com